Inside out and backwards

From Mark Zuckerberg's Harvard commencement address, May 25 2017:

"What about your first lecture at Harvard? Mine was Computer Science 121 with the incredible Harry Lewis. I was late so I threw on a t-shirt and didn't realize until afterwards it was inside out and backwards with my tag sticking out the front. I couldn't figure out why no one would talk to me."

He belongs

And there I was, up in the stands, watching the U2 concert from the distance, while my future brother-in-law was down in the pit, 10 feet from Bono.  I was rooting for him to have a great time, which he did.  Little did I know that that night I'd also learn he truly belongs in the family, as it was in that pit that he lost his keys to his van, in which he planned to leave for a 3-week road trip back home the following morning.

Lamp replacement

Our home came with two new lamps, stored in the laundry room, just like the one that was installed in my office ceiling.

This lamp is not found anywhere else in the house, so I assumed that when the light bulbs go out, one has to replace the whole lamp piece with all three light bulbs in it, and that's why there are extra lamps stored.

A while back, one of the light bulbs went out, but I ignore it to avoid the trouble of figuring out what to do.

About a month ago another one of the light bulbs went out, and the third one became very, very dim, almost out.

So today I took out one of the boxes to figure out how to replace the whole thing.  It looked complicated.

So I waited for Allison to get home to run my plan by her and for her to know what I was doing in case she had to drive me to the hospital once electrocuted.

She examined the lamp for a while, and then asked: why don't you just replace the light bulbs?

And indeed, the light bulbs are replaceable.  No need to replace the lamp.

She also realized that the third light bulb is not almost out.  The light switch was dimmed to almost zero.

Paused video

After my weekly bootcamp workout, I stopped at home to eat a little protein before running some errands. I ate in the kitchen, quickly, while watching some videos on my phone.  I finished eating, got in the car, exited the garage, closed the garage door, and then realized that my phone was not in my pocket.  So I opened the garage door, paused the video I was still watching, and went into the house to look for my phone.  When I walked into the kitchen I realized the phone was not there and that it was already in the car, since I had paused the video that was still playing in it before going into the house to look for the same device.

That inopportune red light

Oops.  Gas = zero.

"A touch of the absentminded genius"

In 1776, "on July 6, while Captain [Alexander] Hamilton wandered about trying to find a purse with money that he had lost—he sometimes had a touch of the absentminded genius—the local press announced [American] independence."
- Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow

"I appreciate my fans, my wife, and my girlfriend"

"I appreciate my fans, my wife, and my girlfriend... I mean my wife..."
Footballer thanks his wife and his girlfriend live on TV, backtracks awkwardly

I've tried everything

"Can you please come help me?  I've tried everything to set up my fitbit and I'm out of ideas", said the wife.

I walk over and see the screen she's looking at, which has the instructions.  The top of the page says: "Get the Fitbit App to Set Up Your Device."   So I ask, "did you install the fitbit app?"

Wife: "No."

Sandals or unpack?

I was getting ready to leave my hotel room in Chicago for the airport when I went to put my shoes on, but I couldn't find them anywhere. Then I realized I had packed them at the bottom of my suitcase. 

So I had to make a decision between unpacking my suitcase or traveling in socks and sandals in 34-degree weather. 

Effective headphones

I was working at my office when I heard my wife laughing at her office down the hall.  She told me she had just realized she had been listening to some audio files for her research for about 30 minutes with her headphones on.  She had taken care to use the headphones because she didn't want to disturb me with the sound.  But she hadn't realized that the sound was not coming out of the headphones, but from the speakers.

I can't read my iPad. I must need new glasses.

I got a great email today from my beloved mother-in-law Fran:

So I was using my ipad to shop online for dresses for the wedding.  It became increasingly more and more difficult for me to see the words not to mention the pictures.  The FB was difficult to read, especially the small print.  I was very frustrated.  I went to the Optomotrist and got reading/computer glasses (for $$) and while they helped somewhat, they did not really answer the whole problem.  I borrowed Rich's laptop and things improved immediately.  Yesterday I went to Best Buy to buy an inexpensive laptop.  Got an Acer Chrome something or other for $259; the young man said it would be the right thing for me since I need it only for very basic stuff.

In the meantime, I took out my trusty ipad and did my morning routine--email, Facebook, etc.  At one point, I asked Rich if he thought the screen was very dark.  He agreed: "Absolutely! Fix it."  What? Fix it?  So I went to Settings; General; moved the cursor in the appropriate section and VOILA!!!  Let there be light!  Everything is wonderful again.  AND, I own a new laptop--which I really don't need anymore.  Who knew?!

My life would be so much easier if I had a live in computer tech....

So now, about $500 later, I can see beautifully and not because my vision has improved OR because I have computer.  I can see because I have a screen that is lit up more than the midnight setting it was on.

And here I thought I was getting old.....

Lawyer Lawyer, Pants on Fire

On the funny (and effective and well-timed) side...
Lawyer’s Pants Catch Fire During Florida Arson Trial

Lose kids and turn into Flash

When we lose sight of kids, here's what can happen:
Professor's BBC interview gets hijacked by kids

On the flip side, we then gain superpowers and turn into Flash.

Locked in the bathroom

"I locked myself in the bathroom!", said the wife.  "I was pushing and pulling and pushing and pulling and couldn't get out.  It went on for a while."

Later on the evening I went to the bathroom and this is what the bathroom door looked like from the inside:

Hot chocolate in the house

In our household it is very important that we never, ever, run out of hot chocolate.

Lost car. For six months.

This man forgot in which parking garage he parked his friend's car.  He didn't find the car for six months, needing to pay over $6,000 to get the car out.

Photo by Thomas Hawk

With or without ink?

Would you like your water with or without ink?

(I grabbed a pen to write something and dropped it right into the water jug)

8x stress test

Oops, I'm supposed to change this furnace air filter every 3 months.  I hadn't changed it in 2 years.

Found the bread

Four days ago, on Saturday, I went grocery shopping.  After I paid, I clearly remember double-checking that I wasn't leaving any bags full of food around the checkout counter, which I've done before.  Despite that, when I unpacked everything at home, I noticed there was no bread,. even though I remember grabbing it, and it was listed in the receipt.  I checked the car again but there was no other bag with food in it.  The bread had disappeared.

Two days later, on Monday evening, when I made smoothies for the week, I realized there were 3 power greens bags instead of 5.  I considered going back to TJs to buy the other 2 bags and the bread, but instead I decided to make two of the smoothie batches without power greens.

Yesterday, on Tuesday, I had to drive again to run some errands and my car smelled a little weird.  I opened the windows to air it out.

When I woke up this morning I had an aha moment: the bread might still be in the car.  I did a more thorough search and yes, lo and behold there was one more bag of food in the car.

The bread looked so good that I had a slice, but it was before I meditated, which I usually do upside down on an inversion table, which I don't like to do after I've eaten anything, so instead I meditated sitting down.  A visitor joined me for it.

She'll call me when done

Since there was no parking around, I dropped off Allison at Lelenitas in San Francisco to pick up a Tres Leches dessert that we'd bring to Christmas eve dinner with Temis and Carolina.  Then I drove around the corner and found a place to park to wait for Allison.  I figured she'd call me when done, so I'd come back to pick her up

After about 10 minutes I thought she was taking a long time so I called her.  Then I heard ringing.  Her phone was in the car.

Kramer moment

I just had a Kramer moment.  I was walking from my office to the bedroom, turned to look at my wife in her office, and walked into a wall.

I thought I parked right here

A facebook post from my friend Manny:

After a few minutes of looking for my car in a parking lot, I remembered my wife and I swapped cars today and I had been standing next to her van the whole time

The Ballad of Billy The Kid

The Ballad of Billy The Kid, by Billy Joel, is playing.

Wife: Did you know this song is about Billy The Kid?

Me: I didn't know that.

Wife: Yes!  He was from Long Island!

Me: Really?  I had no idea!

Wife: Yes!  That's why we love him so much!

Me: You love him so much?

Wife: Yes, in Long Island and in New Jersey.

Me: I had no idea.

Wife: Like Bon Jovi!

Me: I knew Bon Jovi was from NJ... and Billy Joel from Long Island... I didn't know Billy The Kid was from there.

Wife: Not Billy the Kid!...

(conversation continues in equally ridiculous fashion)

Kitchen discovery

The wife is cooking.

Then the smoke alarms go off.

Wife opens up all doors and windows.

Smoke alarm keeps going and going.

And going.

Wife: "Usually these smoke alarms turn off quicker.  They've been going a long time now."

Smoke alarm keeps going and going.

We worry about the neighbors going deaf.

Wife: "Should I turn off the oven?"

Husband: "No."

Husband: "Does this house have an exhaust?"

Wife: "Hmmm, I don't know."  She looks.   "Yes!  I guess it does!"

Exhaust button pushed.  Smoke alarms turns off.

NYC, no pants

A friend traveled from her home in California to New York City for three conferences to realize she had not packed any pants.  The conferences included the United Nations General Assembly and the the Clinton Global Initiative, where she was speaking.

"Just arrived in NYC for UNGA, CGI, and Social Good Summit.... only to discover I didn't bring any pants. Good times."

Fridge went nuts

The refrigerator went crazy and didn't want to stop making ice.  It just kept making ice and there was no way to stop it!  There's ice all over the kitchen floor.

Truck on rails

What in the world is that?

Undercover

Interesting place to hang out.  Maybe she's overwhelmed by the mess.

Which Christmas did you mean?

Three years ago, while my family was visiting us in Texas, my dad bought my sister a Christmas gift: a book.  He gave it to my mom to hide it until Christmas

When they got back to Caracas, my mom hid it.  But she hid it so well that she herself couldn't find it.  She looked all over the house for it, with no success.

Three years later, as she was looking for a photo frame, she finally found the book.  It was in a plastic bag, buried deep in a cabinet meant for photo albums.

She thought about hiding it again until next Christmas, but she thought twice about it.

Pilot, look left

I hope the pilot knows that the left propeller is off.  Only the right one is turning.

Wait.  Did I just say, propeller?

Switching lanes blind

Hah, I wonder whether rear-view mirrors were originally invented to keep the wind out rather than to see backwards.  They're made out of glass in this 1924 Moon.

Then probably someone tried to switch lanes and killed a horse.

To dress or not to dress

After a weather rerouting to refuel, a flight 3 hrs longer than planned, and tight connection into a changed flight, I finally made it to Harrisburg PA, but my suitcase didn't (same suitcase with the baggage tag in the wrong place)

I'm giving a keynote tomorrow to all of the staff in a school district.  Should I go with the only clothes I have or drive 30 minutes to the nearest mall to get some clothes?

Consolation price: at least I made Guest of the Day, for which I received a Hershey's bar.  (I'm 40 miles from Hershey's Chocolate World).  :)

That's my suitcase!

As I walked toward the front of the airplane to deplane, I noticed the flight attendant was standing at the end of the corridor, holding my sports coat.  But she was also oddly looking down toward the woman who was walking up the aisle right in front of me.  I was trying to make eye contact with the flight attendant to let her know that she was holding my sports coat, but she kept looking at the woman in front of me.

As the woman in front of me was walking off the airplane, the flight attendant said "That's my suitcase!".  Then the woman looked at the suitcase and was surprised to realize that she had grabbed the wrong suitcase and was walking off the airplane with it!

Who knows where the flight attendant was headed, but it would have been far from her suitcase.

Rusty on baggage tag protocol

Oops, I put the baggage tag in the wrong place...

Knee distractions

Walking out of my knee doctor's building, the receptionist asked me: "didn't you have a backpack?"

I had left it back in the consultation room.  (I was going to miss it when I couldn't find my laptop back at the office 20 minutes away).

Not when there are cars around

We were in Philadelphia at the Enterprise Car Rental picking up a rental car to drive out of town.  The rental car was under Allison's name because she was originally going to pick up the car on her own, but we were able to go together.  Here's how the conversation went as we stood in front of the Enterprise guy doing the paperwork:

Me: do you want to stop to grab a sandwich before leaving the city?

Wife: in the city?  are you crazy?

Me: why?

Wife: I'm driving in the city the least possible.  I can't drive when there are other cars around.

(the Enterprise then turned pale and looked at us incredulously... then there was a moment of silence... then his colleague who was doing something behind him started laughing).

Later, when we were exiting, Allison went out and then I told guy #2 not to worry, that we'd take care of the car.  He laughed and said: "don't let her drive."

New York pizza

Ahhhh, finally a genuine New York slice of pizza.

After putting red pepper flakes on it, I put some parmesan cheese on it, but a lot more cheese than I expected came out.  That's when I realized that it was not cheese, but garlic powder.

My wife stayed far from me for the rest of the day.

Cool kid in the neighborhood

Facebook post from my friend Manny:
  "Started distance trails today after steady base building for two months, y estrenando nueva camiseta de La U!!! Was totally feeling like the cool kid in the neighborhood until I noticed I did my run with the store stickers still on the shirt."

 

Keys in the sky

After all the passengers had left the plane, the flight attendant found some keys on the floor.  She asked the remaining people (who were staying in the plane for the next leg) whether they belong to anyone.  They did not.  Someone will have trouble getting into their car and home.

Driving Under the Influence (of Pokemon Go)

Driver playing Pokemon Go hits police car. Everyone then reacted great!

Taking in my surroundings

We have an inversion table in our guest bedroom where I meditate every morning for 15 minutes, hanging from my ankles upside down.  When I walk into the room to meditate, I usually close the door, but today I decided to leave it open because Rosie was sitting outside the room and Allison had gone out for a run, so there wouldn't be any noise in the house and that way Rosie could feel less lonely.

I meditated for 15 minutes, as always with my eyes closed, and toward the end of the guided meditation, when I was asked to open my eyes and take in my surroundings, here's what I saw:

(she's not supposed to get on that bed)

They train us

When we got our dog 5 years ago, she was very well behaved.  Over time she behaves more and more like our prior dog.  I'm starting to think they're the ones who train us.

(I'm also amazed how this one never tips the garbage over. She's so gentle in her technique.)

Good old throw-sunglasses-on-the-ground move

As soon as we got to the stadium last night for the Copa America Centenario opening, I broke my sunglasses.

(luckily they came back together!)

Walking in peace

I should be able to finally walk in peace, in socks and sandals, without wife criticism, now that we saw Argentina / PSG soccer star Angel Di Maria doing the same last night (when we stalked the Argentina National Team at their hotel).

The cheese stick move

Post from my friend Denise on facebook:

From the tv studio to the pediatrician with a stop at SF Unified School District, today feels like a ‪#‎workingmomtriathalon‬... lucky I found an old cheese stick on the floor of the car for lunch

(I like the cheese stick move)

Car won't start

SMS text from my friend Manny:


"Walked to the parking lot, unlocked car, got in, wouldn't turn on, looked around, realized I was in the wrong car."

His wife Diana then suggested he send me that story, as well as the time "he walked into the wrong apartment."

Luckily, nobody was home

Here's how my friend Manny returned home one day:

"I walked out of the elevator, went to our door and walked in, put my bag down and walked to the couch. Right before I sat down, I realized I was in the wrong apartment."

The pilot will be right back

Imagine you're in an airplane, mid-flight, when the pilot comes out of the cockpit to go to the bathroom.  The cockpit is left alone.  You're a little wary, attentive to what will happen next.

Thankfully the pilot comes out of the bathroom.  But when he tries to open the cockpit door, it is locked.  He locked himself out of the cockpit.  He starts banging the cockpit door trying to open it, then asks for a fire extinguisher to see if he can use it to break the door.

That has happened several times, some with happy endings, some not.

Why is it so cold down here?

My parents and sister are visiting us.  Last night, we were downstairs when my sister asked: why is it so cold downstairs, and not upstairs? I replied with: because heat goes up.

Today, it struck me that it's been pretty warm at night (upstairs).  And then I thought of a better explanation for the heat differential: a couple of weeks ago, when it was pretty hot outside, I had the idea of closing all the vents downstairs, so that the A/C would come out just upstairs, where it was hotter.  But the weather changed and it's been pretty chilly these days, so now the heat is just coming out upstairs, while downstairs it's freezing.  Ooops.

 

Love for texters

The town of Augsburg, Germany, installed pedestrian traffic lights literally on the sidewalks so that people texting and walking don't need to look up from their phones to see whether they can cross the street.  They don't want people to walk into cars and trains like my friend walked into a statue.

Classy luggage tag

I love the tag they put on my luggage when I left it at the San Diego airport.  It reads "Blue suitcase containing dirty clothes."

3 times deliciousness

I may have earned myself today's burrito obsession record at Chicago O'Hare's Burrito Beach after I ate 3 (exact) grilled chicken burrito bowls.  Delicious.

Immigration free-for-all

We arrived at the Dominican Republic, went through immigration, then customs, and met our driver right outside the airport.  He said it was a good time to go to the bathroom as we had an hour drive ahead of us.  I went to the bathroom and when I came out, my wife wasn't there, only the driver and our suitcases.  He explained that Allison had realized she was missing her purse (and everything in the purse, including her passport), and ran into the airport to look for it.

A few minutes later Allison came out with the purse and explanations.  She recounted that before originally coming out of the airport, when we were waiting for our suitcases to come out, she had asked where the bathroom was, and they told her it was back before immigration, but that she could just walk around immigration and then come back also around without needing to talk to any immigration officer.  She did so, but she left her purse.  So once again she walked all over the airport, walking in and out of immigration without talking to anyone, and finally found her purse where she had left it.  It was an all-around free-for-all.

What grown men do

It's amazing what grown men do sometimes.